


I shouldn't miss you.

by Tabbynerdicat



Category: Video Blogging RPF, jacksepticeye
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Suicide, it's a big sad, you know the drill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:02:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21757243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabbynerdicat/pseuds/Tabbynerdicat
Summary: Stacy hasn't been quite the same since the night Chase died. How has she been coping?Well... she hasn't.
Relationships: Chase Brody/Stacy Brody
Kudos: 10





	I shouldn't miss you.

I shouldn't miss you.

Your red-rimmed eyes after coming home from the bar, much too late, so caught up on a feeling that the right words to explain yourself never came. The kids were in bed, the lights dimmed low. The look in your eyes was… sad. Was I not enough for you? Were _we_ not enough?

I shouldn't miss you.

And the way you smiled, pretending nothing was wrong. Why wouldn't you talk to me? Did you think I wouldn't listen? I waited for you, for _hours_ , every night. It was so silly. Sitting there on the sofa, curled up in your T-shirt because I missed feeling you close to me. I… can't remember the last time we'd even spoken. _Really_ spoken. Not just to say 'I love you' or to ask what was for dinner, just…

I shouldn't miss our talks.

Our happy talks- so long ago I could barely recall them then, but _now…_ now, they're all I can think about, plaguing my mind in the most haunting, horrible way. Do you remember when I told you we were going to have another baby? And your face lit up like a light, and your smile reached your ears, and you cooed at my stomach all afternoon? Emma was so jealous, but then… then, you hugged her until she calmed down, and you promised her that she would always be your favourite little girl.

You were a good father, Chase, you _were_ … Did you know that, when you pulled the trigger?

I shouldn't miss you.

Not when I'm lying here, and someone else has his arms around me. He tells me that he loves me, and I believe him, but… it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like _you_. He and I have been seeing each other for years, but every day feels just like the first. Nerve-wracking, and guilty, and… you wouldn't want this for me, would you? Would you be happy for me, for trying again? Surely not. But then… why would you leave me?

Why did you _leave me_ , Chase?

It's a pain harder to swallow than finding out your husband is cheating on you. It's harder to wake up every morning and face the two beautiful people you helped bring into the world, and see their pretty blue eyes, and all the _hope_ they have in their hearts. Trey looks just like you did when we met. He has your forehead, and your smile, and… sometimes, I have to force myself to look away, because I _shouldn't_ miss you. Seeing my son's face _shouldn't_ make me cry.

It's wrong. Isn't it?

I should hate you for leaving us the way you did. No food, no car, no father… Which was more important? I didn't know the answer, back then. I was young, and stressed, and… I didn't mean to make you hurt.

It was my fault, wasn't it?

I… _really_ shouldn't miss you. I helped hurt you. I let you go down that path, I let you drink every night, I _let_ you lose control. I… told myself it was fine. You weren't hurting us, you were just… angry. Sad. You'd _never_ hurt us. Even when you lost your temper and threw things, even when you shouted at the walls because the world didn't make _sense_ …

I should have stopped you.

But it's too late. _Years_ too late. Did you know that Emma's going to college this year? She's so much fuller in the cheeks since the last time you saw her- so much taller, too. She has a boyfriend you'd never approve of, but she's happy. She's a lot like you, you know? Outgoing, and witty, and athletic, and… _and..._

And she doesn't talk to me. Just like _you_ never talked to me. About your problems, or your feelings, or… _anything_. She says I wouldn't understand. Was that what you thought? Should I be worried about her? If I let her go, is she going to end up the way you did? I…

I can still remember the lights. The blinding, bright lights- and the _screams_ … at first I didn't know it was you. I didn't know _what_ to think when I saw the commotion, people gathering around your studio, waving flashlights in the air. I thought… I thought there must have been a musician around- someone attracting a crowd, but then they pulled out the police tape, and…

I saw your hat. My heart dropped. I didn't want to believe it- they must have thought I was crazy. I fought my way over, past the people, _so_ many people… they had horror plastered all over their faces. There was blood, and static, and the police held me back- but I saw it.

I saw _you_.

I can't let Emma end up like that, all broken and bloodied on the ground, twisted and lying s-so… so _still_. I couldn't help you, Chase, all I could do was _cry_ , and scream, and wish that it was all a nightmare. I couldn't explain it to them- I _couldn't_ be the one to tell them what I saw. They dressed you up all nice and handsome, they covered the wound, they put you in a tuxedo like the one you wore to our wedding, and _that's_ the memory I wanted them to keep of you. Even now, when over ten years have passed, it still haunts me. Why did you do it? Did you want to see us cry? Did you feel like a bad father, a bad husband, a bad _friend_?

I shouldn't keep asking. I _know_ you're not here to answer me. Why would you be, when you separated yourself from us in the most permanent way you could? People tell me you're still protecting us, watching over us. I just… don't understand why you couldn't be _here_ to do that.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so caught up on you. Maybe _I'm_ the reason you can't move on. Maybe _I_ … maybe I should have been better. A better _wife_ , a better mother, a better confidant. Maybe, if I didn't push you away, you'd still be here. Maybe you'd have lived to cheat on me, and I'd feel better about moving on. Maybe we'd have stayed together, growing old with each other like we promised to do all those years ago. Maybe you'd have died again, and again, and again… maybe this was meant to be.

I shouldn't miss you, Chase.

But I do.

We _all_ miss you. Don't you miss us too?

. . .

_Don't you m-miss me too...?_

_"Stacy, what are you- Stacy! Oh God, I… Trey, call 911! Stacy, please, wake up, please…"_

I'm so… _numb_. Cold. I can feel him shaking me, but I don't want to move. Is this how it felt for you? Was the bullet quick? Was it worth the pain?

I can't breathe, but I haven't been able to breathe since the night I watched you go. Are you watching me, now? Are you waiting to hold me in your arms again? Do you still remember me? So many questions, so little time… I can feel my heart slowing down. They won't reach me in time to save me.

One beat, two…

_I didn't do this for you._

Maybe, you didn't do it for _me_ , either…

I shouldn't miss you.

But that's alright.

Soon, I won't be able to miss _anything_...


End file.
